I have not much else to say than thank you. This has been a great day with sad, warm, quiet and happy moments. Ubud, the place where we are now, is definately my cup of tea. It’s beautiful, green, filled with yoga studios, organic smoothie bars, awesome food, healthy people and happines. But apart from that I feel just grateful for this life, grateful for all the people that touch or have touched my life, grateful for the work that I do, grateful for nature and yes, I feel grateful for yoga (who would have thought).
Mike asked me this morning if I missed my ex-girlfriends. His question made me realize that I still love all of them. My first love was Javanese so it is impossible not to think of her when I’m surrounded by so many young women who share the features she has. I realized I don’t miss her in the sense that she is lacking in my life. She is still there, I love her, I’m grateful for the great time we had together and I’m happy for her that she now has a beautiful daughter and a good man. My second relationship was very difficult and never had the closure I wished. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love her anymore, furthermore it was an extremely important relationship for me becaused it was our suffering that opened me up. If it wasn’t for her Basic Goodness never would have existed. I’m not ready to call my latest girlfriend an ex-girlfriend and I surely miss her but stepping out of the dynamics we had at home makes me realize I love her a lot, I wish her all the happiness in the world and maybe the Universe grants us a new start.
It is nice – very nice – to experience that love is always there. Yes, it get’s covered up, misunderstood, colored, tainted or we feel disconnected from it but sometimes we just feel it. I don’t need to be near somebody to love somebody. That feels very liberating.
This morning I received a beautiful letter in the comments of the post ‘Surrender’ from a reader. Not only did he help me see this (that I don’t need to near to love), it also made me realize again that I can trust that my voice is appreciated by some, even when they don’t let themselves know. A bit paradoxical, I know: once I am reassured by the way of a comment that readers who don’t comment still appreciate my efforts I can let go of the idea that readers who don’t comment don’t like my stuff.
I’m thinking now “what have I learned today?” because it feels that I haven’t learned anything, that I’m merely letting you know I’m just happy. But on second thought I realize that I am harvesting now. I have said before that happines is not something we should strive for, it is a side effect caused by living from the heart. So I guess I’m letting you know that now and then everything falls into place and meditation, writing, yoga, being honest and trying to serve as good as one can lead to having a very beautiful day. And I wish to thank you for that. Because without you, the Universe would be incomplete.
Oh.. and do you know why it feels so good to say thank you? It allows gratitude to flow. I just realized that when I finished the previous paragraph. Now you go try it out for yourself!
Beautiful, Thank you!
Dear Atalwin,
By reading your response on my story, I couldn’t resist to leave a comment once again. I realize that writing down and share some thoughts, it strengthened my view on the situation with my ex girlfriend. And therefor I wanted to thank you.
It’s a true word that you never stop loving your exes. Though we sometimes feel hurt by people we really love if they started an affair or disappoint you, there wouldn’t be the feeling of being hurt, if we’re not feel this exact same love for that specific person. Even over time. It’s the love you feel that manifest as disappointment, insecurity and inner pain.
That’s not only within a (broken) relationship. This mechanism present itself in many situations: If you feel insecure within your job, it’s the presentation of striving for doing your job in the best possible way. Otherwise you wouldn’t care less if you were doing a good job. Acknowledging this inner mechanism turns your insecurity into strength because you’re not depended anymore from compliments from your boss, manager or even your reader. They will love you for the way you’re doing your job. Even if you have a lot to learn or have some blind spots. In a way the same ‘paradox’ you describe in your ‘Thank You’ post.
Recently I experienced again how this mechanism can create a negative vicious circle if you don’t recognize what the real core of this behavior is. I joined a company in a senior management position. In the beginning I struggled with the ways of working of the existing management team members. They weren’t especially communicative and that causes me to justify my struggle by saying that I hadn’t the feeling I delivered the added value as I could deliver for the company. With this insecure standpoint, I blocked myself in actually deliver this added value. I started to doubt every step, which made me even more insecure. At a certain point I repeatedly began to think that this job might not fit me.
I was puzzling why I acted this way. I know that I can do a good job. I did it before and was very successful at this. I managed bigger teams, successfully operated bigger companies and did it out of my heart, with a healthy business and organizational sense. It was not that I wanted a pet on the shoulder; it was not that I wanted to hear that my fellow management team members say to me that I was doing a good job. Actually they said it several times. Despite it is not the company culture to give a lot of compliments.
I realized that it was my inner mechanism that causes this feeling. I love the challenge within this job so much and I blocked on this exact same love. This caused my insecurity and therewith doubts. By acknowledging that the cause of all this is the love I feel for the challenge, the work started to get into a flow. The ways of working changed my way. Not because I changed them, it was because of people wanted to follow my lead, follow my love and people even seemed inspired. I haven’t had a structured plan. I just followed my heart and people start following me. The employees, who are having the idea that making compliments will get them a better position, excessively compliment me. Some others don’t say a word to me, but act and demonstrate it to the ones they manage. I see my working environment changing to people who really love what they are doing. Though our job is sometimes demanding on their personal lives, more and more they don’t see it anymore as their job. But as the everyday way of doing something they love. And spread this love for the job to their team and our clients. It’s probably no surprise our turnover doubled last year.
I just wanted to share this with whomever this will read. I’m now harvesting as well. Functionally (self motivated teams, financially) but more important: I’m harvesting in the sense that I don’t go to work anymore. Actually: I don’t work anymore and do the things I love, with people who love what they are doing every day. That itself inspires me immensely. And let me learn more then I have ever learned before. Inspiration you get out of people who love what they are doing is contagious what triggers me to follow their examples and find it out myself.
The same as your examples Atalwin, inspires me to find it out myself. By sharing this story I also want to show my gratitude for your blog postings.
Dank je wel zeggen is nooit een probleem voor me geweest en n.a.v. wat je vandaag geschreven hebt zeg ik graag: dank je wel dat je mij als moeder hebt gekozen …! Over de keus van je vader kan ik niets anders zeggen dan dat ik niets liever wilde dan zíjn zoons op de wereld zetten. Als dat destijds niet mijn levensvervulling was geweest, had Basic Goodness nu ook niet bestaan ……
Fijn, dat je Ubud ook zo mooi vindt. Zijn jullie al bij de Yoga Barn geweest? Waar je in de vroege ochtend op je yogamatje zo schitterend uitkijkt over de rijstvelden? En misschien in het hotel daarnaast, Ubud Aura? Mocht je toevallig het houten beeldje van een vrouwenfiguur in de Booghouding of Dhanurasana zien, wil je het dan voor me kopen? Alleen die; al die duizenden andere interesseren me niet.
Kus, Mam
that was a wonderful blog entry! i’m getting into the habit of checking them out and chew on em like good bread! thanks for those eloquent thoughts as i end my day, Atalwin.