My first priority is to learn Spanish (all tips and tools are most welcome). And it is made clear to me that I should learn how to dance salsa too. ‘No bailar, no mujeres’ I think they said: ‘no dancing, no ladies’. And it seems pretty clear that dancing is part of life and part of the culture. So I must learn. I am not a bad mover on the dance floor but do feel somewhat self-conscious about the idea of being surrounded by all those Latinos and Latinas who have been doing this since they can walk. And the way I learned to dance in clubs was not restricted; anything goes as long as you follow the beat. Salsa asks for specific moves and steps that require taking lessons. But people here are proud of their culture and like to share it. They really appreciate when strangers try to learn their ways. So I have been told that I can expect plenty of help.
You are not alone
In the afternoon there was a Sun Circle: a meeting for men. The women had their Moon Circle. I was not exactly looking forward to this meeting because I thought we would go into the ayahuasca experiences. The thing is: I can’t lie or pretend anymore. I physically can’t. So if I am asked to share my experience I will do that. I can only hope that I won’t be put on the spot. But the meeting took a different turn: it was about masculinity and relationships. Initially it didn’t sound too exciting: I am single and have not so much questions or doubts about my masculinity. But to my surprise I heard a couple of interesting stories: stories that resembled mine. Ok, they had happier endings but the struggle seemed to be very similar. Again: I felt not alone.
Carmel Crossroads
We met in Carmel. Carmel is also the place where my high school friend lives. It was my intention to meet with him but he caught a last minute flight to Maui. He will take some time off to be with his wife and mourn the loss of their son. So I find myself in his hometown, in his favorite bar, talking about him, shedding a few tears and having a beer with his friends without him being there. Strangely enough it felt good for both parties. I liked to hear the stories that I heard from his American friends. It made me realize he had made really good friends here and that everybody cares. Similarly I got the feeling that the American friends of the couple appreciated that an old friend of their buddy showed up in their pub.
A rubber ball
I am not in the most romantic place imaginable: in a Subway sandwich shop with a view over a parking place (with lots of empty spots). I had a salad here and was able to put some electricity in my laptop and phone. With the help of Personal Hotspot (the tethering function on my iPhone) I have access to the internet. So that’s nice. And there is a beautiful full moon in the sky. That is nice too.
I just uploaded to YouTube a couple of clips I recorded today. I have not much better to do than talk to myself during this part of my trip. Because I took the decision to not censor myself you can see me cry on one of the videos.
Wanna find freedom? Get naked (in spite of Illuminati)!
I woke up at 05.30 in Rainbow Beach and started my day with naked body surfing before I would go to a place where wild dolphins would come in the morning. The beach was pretty much deserted but there was a couple who parked their 4×4 on the sand and was fishing in the early morning. I walked a few hundred meters away from them although our initial distance was more than 50 meters.
Of course it is kind of strange that I want to protect them from my nakedness and myself from their possible judgment. It is not that I am bothering somebody so early in the morning but of course the real question is ‘why we are so afraid of nakedness?’ When I made the decision to go skinny-dipping it was because I assumed I would be all alone. There would be nobody watching. Not only did I need specific circumstances to be naked (remote beach, early morning, alone) but when I realized the circumstances were ‘right’ I still needed to gather some courage.
Cutting through bullshit
I am learning today is how strong the effect is of self-imposed unfreedom. I only gave myself a couple of restrictions and it was enough to choke me for a day. Without the restrictions I might have written about the auspicious changes of the weather that happened during a walk along the beach: it seemed to interplay with nature of the conversation I was having. Or I could have written about the musicians that I saw on the streets of Byron Bay and their magical talent. But just the simple fact that I took on a few quite innocent restrictions led me into a place where it became very difficult to maneuver.
No ceremony in Lombok
If we don’t fully accept and embrace where we come from we can never fully accept and embrace who we are. Even if our parents were less then perfect we have to learn to fully accept them. It is not so easy. When we start our path we find out pretty soon that most of our destructive beliefs and patterns are inherited from and installed by our parents. But when we don’t forgive we can’t heal. But we also can’t fake forgiveness; if we pretend to forgive by denying that we feel resentment we are violating ourselves. This makes us miss the point. Forgiving is not burying our pain in an anonymous grave and pretending it never happened. We can only forgive when we truly and completely acknowledge the damage done and then see that the perpetrator really could not have done any better (and would have done better if he could). Then we can drop the load. Damaged people cause damage, healed people heal people. By getting rid of our load we can stop repeating the cycle.
In love with life
I have noticed before that yoga works like some sort of time bomb. During the class it feels uncomfortable for many reasons but afterwards a certain peace comes over me. Sometimes it feels like I am on drugs.
In the hour after class things started to shift. And it was very strange. It felt like the moment where you realize for the first time you are falling in love with someone. You realize you are accessing a different container of feelings and emotions and it happens more or less involuntarily. You can’t stop it. In the hours that followed the feelings kept getting stronger and stronger. And I just started to feel really, really happy. I could feel my heart overflowing with love. I realized I was in love with life.
A long way from home
I am on the fast ferry to Koh Samui. I am on a visa run. It is funny that people have created a word for the adventure you have to go through to have your visa extended. Because I passed on an invitation to go on an epic hike through Alaska I can spend more time in Asia and Australia. I have decided to go visit my brother. He lives in Bali.
To be honest I feel deeply sad, lost and lonely. I feel like a ghost, going through the obligatory motions. Perhaps for the first time I don’t feel free to write my truth because I am embarrassed that some things that are supposed to be dealt with are still unresolved or surfaced again. I fear that I made wrong investments this month and that I am throwing my money away. Maybe I want results too fast and am I too impatient. But I was really looking forward to a month of practice after working on Hong Kong and I feel like I made zero progress. I don’t feel free from ‘chords’ and I feel not one chakra spinning. I feel disappointed and empty-handed.
Nurturing the self
Just before take off I had a moment of huge shame. I was chatting to a Dutch friend (through Whatsap) and told her about my intention to find the monk and abbot of the Golden Horse Temple Phra Khru Bah. Today I saw a map of Thailand painted on a wall and realized that the North of Thailand is quite a broad area. I have no clue if flying to Chiang Mai is actually the wisest thing to do. I wanted to buy a Lonely Planet today but didn’t find time so I’m winging it. She told me that the documentary “Buddha’s Lost Children” is made by a Dutch guy and that I could connect with him to ask how to find Phra Khru Bah. My heart sank as I realized that I did not think of that myself. I felt shame, anger, self-hatred and sadness. I felt so stupid.
But I am ok now. I feel quite peaceful. Recently I have received some sort of meditation practice that I should do when things like this happen.
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