It works like this: somebody has a question that has either to do with family or a general question around something that it bothering her and seems hard to explain in a conventional way. The underlying assumption is that unresolved trauma can be passed on from generation to generation and lead to symptoms of disease in contemporary family members. Next important assumption is that random participants can connect with the energy of sometimes long deceased family members at will. This is something really mysterious and completely unexplainable from a rational point of view.
The past 6 weeks I spend with the girl who I met a year ago in India when we both attended a tantra course. At the time we both weren’t available but unexpectedly ‘something happened’ during one of our Skype calls months later. Somewhere in January, when I was in Colombia, I decided to do whatever necessary to meet her, which meant going to the other side of the world and coming up with plans how to finance that along the way. I went from Colombia to Argentina, from Buenos Aires to New York and from New York to Hong Kong. We finally met in Thailand.
All this time I referred to her as the Shakti Princess and she called me her Shiva Warrior.
I never had a heart to heart with my father. All encounters that I had with him were pretty awful and if I add up the hours we spend in the same room during my life it will be less than 24 since 1976 (during the first 5 years of my life he was more or less a normal dad, I guess). So there was no reconciliation or feel-good happy end, something that we as a family perhaps hoped for when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
I did do a lot of work on reconciliation and forgiveness inside myself. For some reason I don’t feel so eloquent in this very moment (bit sleepy) and I find it hard to explain. It has everything to do with the awakening I experienced in 2004. It was actually not just one event but a major breakthrough followed by a whole string of events.
Eeerrmm.. it is not often that I don’t know what to say or how to say it. The whole idea of my practice on this website is to just sit down and write what comes up. But this time.. well, it feels kind of inappropriate because the one who I have most to say about its sitting next to me, chatting with her friends.
I can tell you it is quite an experience to first start off with some sort of virtual relationship and then try to translate that into real life, especially when both parties made each other into symbols of respectively masculinity and femininity. Turns out the symbols are pretty human too.
There is a saying that goes like “if you think you are enlightened go live with your parents for a week”. I feel similar. If you think you have done a lot of work on yourself try living in the same room with a woman from a different culture for a week.
It is still smoggy outside. My throat is less sore though. I have no idea if that is a good sign or a bad sign. I have understood from people who have been living here a long time that the body gets used to the smog. They don’t get irritated eyes and clogged sinuses anymore. Not something I look forward to.
When I was in China I received a question from a reader. I just decided I will take a shot at it. It is a tough and complicated one but I will do my best.
Before I start I want to say how much it keeps amazing me how these things work. I would have never expected such a letter to come in. But I see something or live through something and write about it and then it opens up a thought, pattern or issue on the other side of the world.
I spent the whole year of 2012 traveling and giving workshops on warriorship, leadership, courage, integrity, mindfulness and personal growth. I lived (for 1 or 2 months) and worked in Israel, Beirut (Lebanon), Baghdad (Iraq), India, Hong Kong, Thailand, Australia, the US and, currently, in Colombia. Among many things I noticed on my journey was that in guy-talk all over the planet the psycho bitch from hell pops up, that I am treated differently because I am a tall, muscular, blue eyed and – most importantly – white man (all highly valued traits in male dominant cultures) and that women are treated poorly and unjust in most cultures that I have seen. I realized that I am blessed to be born on the Western European side of the world. I also realized that my female friends have easier lives then their Indian, Arab or Chinese counterparts, even if they are going through horrible divorces or devastating diseases (which has happened and is happening). The reason is – I think – that in the western world we at least have agreed on the fact that a woman is a human being and that she therefore has equal human rights.
My landing in Sydney was a hard one. After meeting my host and going through some trouble to get myself connected (first thing to do in a new country: get a local simcard to get your iPhone working) the first email that I saw with my jetlagged eyes was a message from my now very definitive ex-girlfriend: she moved on. I think it’s for many people a painful moment in the completion of a break-up and it certainly was for me. I had barely landed and I was already hit over the head. I felt numb, sad and disheartened. And I certainly wasn’t in the mood to cheerfully post whatever blabla I wrote on the plane. To make matters worse: the weather shifted from to nice to completely crap and seemed to reflect my state of mind.
I could barely eat yesterday. This morning I woke up literally sick in the stomach but I managed not to throw up. Isn’t it amazing how profound an email from the other side of the world can influence the body?
Another insight is that I always believed that taking care of my body, mind and spirit was enough to create inner harmony. So if I train all of these things, I will get there. For the body I need to develop speed, strength, flexibility, endurance etc. The spirit I train by doing meditation. I never realized that the body needs to be trained in a very specific way to allow the spirit to unfold. In yoga training the body is the spiritual path. Satya explains me how our body is a building and how all the different ‘floors’ connect to the foundation.
The black panther appeared three times in one day. Quite remarkable, don’t you think? What to think of that? My usual response to these miracles is to shrug. It is nice of course but I never had some kind of result or answer. I also feel that if God is trying to so hard to send me a message and He can make black panthers appear in my daily life, why can’t He send me a clearer message? Just a note on the kitchen table would do fine. He knows how thick I am and He should therefore know that I don’t understand what he means with the panthers, especially in this phase of my life (the panther taught me about relationships which doesn’t seem to be relevant at the moment).
My friend contacted me yesterday to let me know he is getting married. I am very happy for him and very proud of his step. I am also sad because physically I will be very far away from him and his bride on the day of the wedding. And it saddens me that is not my turn. I feel like I have been put back to the end of the line again.
I cannot say that I am in a very dark place right now. There is a constant sadness about the loss of my relationship but it is beautiful too. Because when I am not confused by my concerns about finding the balance between giving her space and attention and am not trying to simultaneously cater to the needs of my journey and her path I am free to just love. I don’t have to worry if it is too much or too little because it is mine. This feels free. Sometimes it is a blissful love, sometimes it is a sad love, often I wish I could share my experiences with her and often I feel that I am on a good path. I don’t feel I should be somewhere else.