Meditation is like The Truman Show, which is of course an allegory of the way the human mind functions. Every thing looks completely normal in Truman’s world until he finds out that everything he ever believed to be real is an illusion.
You can have an experience where you feel a strong connection with nature. It can be very touching and emotional. Some of us have easier access to these frequencies. For me it is rare but I definitely had my share of beautiful and strong experiences. But the point is: the tree was already there. It was just standing there. It had no intention to stir up profound emotions. It was already there and if it was up to the tree I was welcome to see it before. The tree has no preferences. It is not defined by my recognition of its existence. If I spend my life without ever seeing the tree it doesn’t mean the tree never existed. I am just unaware of its existence.
How we think about ourselves is key. With the practice of meditation you can train yourself to observe the thinking mind without judgment or interfering. Basically what you will start noticing is that thoughts are some kind of noise. You don’t have to pay attention to it and it is not necessary to respond. You can let the noise be. After some time it becomes really clear that your thoughts have a huge impact on your life, and quite often not in a constructive but in a very limiting way.
The world is on fire. Three days ago a plane filled with primarily Dutch tourists was shot out of the sky by pro-Russian rebels in the Ukraine, a week or so ago Hamas and the IDF went to mini-war against each other and ISIS is doing their best to cause death and destruction in Syria and Iraq. Due to the new function on Facebook to play videos without clicking on them in combination with the many contacts I have in the Arab world and their habit to show death from close up I can now see beheadings and executions first thing in the morning, today combined with dead Palestinian children and the bodies and body parts of my countrymen in a desolate field somewhere in the Ukraine.
Let me see. Is there more I have to say about death and dying? This is what comes up now: I really believe we don’t have to fear death. But I do, just like all the other humans (a very small number of enlightened beings excluded perhaps). Our fear of death translates into all the other fears we experience. Because we are afraid to die we are afraid of change. We cherish a naïve belief that if we just make sure that every thing stays the same death won’t come. In a way quite innocent: we are still the child that thinks he becomes invisible if he puts his hands before his eyes.
We know that many of our fears are so-called irrational. This is if we acknowledge them. But since we also have a fear of acknowledging our fears we keep many fears hidden from ourselves. Basically, we are all cowards. We don’t have the courage to admit that we are afraid. So we blame circumstances, diverting the attention away from fear.
The experience was overwhelming, humbling and healing. There was so much unconditional love, sensuality and radiant beauty, it was too much to take in. I can only speak from a male perspective but I have heard from the women they were happy to see us too.
When I say it was too much to take in, I mean it was too much too take in for the ego. The ego has a limit. When we receive a lot of love there comes a point where disbelief enters. We are used to a limited amount of conditional love. We start thinking that it can’t be true or that it can’t be real. In my case feelings like ‘I don’t deserve this’ and ‘this is not really for me, it is for the other men, not for me’. The ego is an inferiority complex and I could see its battle to hold on to these feelings and beliefs. But it had no chance against 14 Goddesses; it had to surrender.
It was amazing to just receive impersonal feminine tenderness and love. It made me feel good about myself and I feel that feeling good about ourselves is a universal human need. So often and on so many levels we don’t feel good about ourselves. And when it comes to sex and intimacy we also find many reasons not to feel good about our performance or our experience. Or we do feel proud about our performance and it becomes an ego-thing, creating separation (I was better than others). The exercise made me feel strong, appreciated, accepted, wanted, loved and masculine. Basically how any man likes to feel about himself, with or without a relationship. Oh, and let me not forget: I felt deeply grateful for the Shakti energy.
It is just 28 people in a circle, holding hands with their eyes closed. There is cool house music. The instruction was to step out of the circle if the energy would get too strong. This sounded quite ridiculous to me. During the exercise I thought I felt something. I wonder if it is my imagination. I start to feel nauseous. I open my eyes to see if other people are stepping out of the circle. Nobody is. I conclude that I must be exaggerating. Then white light starts to pump through my body and it goes higher and higher till it explodes out of my head.
I feel totally peaceful as a wake up from a deep sleep. I hear nice voices around me; angels are taking care of me. I am on the floor. I am comfortable and want to stay there. I hear that there is blood: I’m bleeding. I realize that I must have fallen on the floor. I have a gash in my eyebrow.
Today during lunch I felt so strong. I just know I am onto something good. Things will work out even if i am challenged from time to time. I feel invincible, unstoppable. A friend send me a song that reminded her of me. The song is about somebody who is tracing down the truth and unwilling to play along with the mass theatre of ignorance. There is something sad about the song. It says that historically this kind of people used to be killed for its message but nowadays he will just be ignored and silenced. Well, this might be true but I am not giving up, not for a long time. We shall see what it takes to break me and if I can be broken.
When I was waiting for my food I fell into meditation. A mantra came to me. It is not so subtle. This is it: just shut the fuck up and listen. This is meditation in a nutshell: stop the useless babble and listen to what is going on, inside and outside. We miss so much because of the voices of self criticism, self consciousness, judgment and rejection. Our whole life passes by and we miss it. Just shut the fuck up and listen. I love it that my sadhguru is so blunt. I think I got it.
I have decided to try to spend some time meditating in a monastery. The possibilities for trekking are limited and I have been contemplating what to do. The guys that I have been accompanying the last days will move on to other places. I could do the same and leave Ladakh to find nature somewhere else. Or I could stay and give up the wish for trekking and look for a place that facilitates deepening. I will do the latter. Hopefully I am fortunate enough to fall with my nose in the butter and will I meet a beautiful teacher: a warrior that I can write about.
It is a difficult decision. Ladakh I too beautiful to spent just 3 days walking. I wish I could stay here for 6 months. But this is not the case. I choose for the meditation because I feel I have a chance to open up part of my subconscious I haven’t opened before. Also, I feel ready. And I would like to arrive in Hong Kong well prepared as I have the feeling that there will be a lot of work to do.