Humanity is captivated by fear and desire. We suffer so much from greed and fear of deficit that the less fortunate perish and we damage our planet and physical and spiritual health. You could say our lack of consciousness is sickness. We need to learn to live in a noble, dignified and selfless way. Paradoxically it takes courage to leave our sickness behind and devote ourselves to health and harmony. It takes the attitude of a warrior.
Today I turned 43. Although quite a number from my perspective everything still feels very much the same. And at the same time I feel confused. Last night I saw CITIZENFOUR. In January 2013, documentary maker Laura Poitras was several years into making a film about surveillance in the post-9/11 era when she started receiving encrypted e-mails from someone identifying himself as “citizen four,” who was ready to blow the whistle on the massive covert surveillance programs run by the NSA and other intelligence agencies. His name was Edward Snowden.
It works like this: somebody has a question that has either to do with family or a general question around something that it bothering her and seems hard to explain in a conventional way. The underlying assumption is that unresolved trauma can be passed on from generation to generation and lead to symptoms of disease in contemporary family members. Next important assumption is that random participants can connect with the energy of sometimes long deceased family members at will. This is something really mysterious and completely unexplainable from a rational point of view.
I am fortunate enough to know what my calling is and I still get caught up in never ending cycle of desire. Instead of surrendering to my calling I feel dissatisfied and unhappy with the fact that I don’t have a family or a fulfilling relationship. Also I have a tendency to avoid tasks I don’t like too much and expect a lot from things I like better.
There are many moments when I feel lost or that I doubt if I make the right decisions. I don’t doubt my intentions though; I know where I want to go. But I am hardly ever sure if the road I have chosen will take me there. And then there are these rare moments where I realize: Oh my, this might actually work.
Today there was such a moment.
As an experiment imagine developing your courage, your generosity and your compassion for 30 years. And every day you would share these continuously developing virtues with the people around you. If only 5 people per day (a very, very conservative number) would be exposed to you that would already create 54.750 inspiring and healing moments. Some of them short, some of them longer. Now also imagine what would happen if you would consciously try to positively influence others more effectively, perhaps with the use of technology or otherwise.
One of my major pitfalls is that I have a deep rooted feeling of not being good enough but insufficient and inadequate. I act this out by trying to improve myself all the time. I work out hard, eat healthy, meditate, read and write. I’m trying to overcompensate the painful gap that I feel, hoping I will be accepted if I just can be a better coach, trainer, friend, boyfriend, lover or son. I try hard in the hopes that I will see the image I have of myself reflected back at me.
Now and then I see something or think of something and sigh because it is out of my reach. And then I think ‘if I would win the lottery I would..’ followed by a quick suppression of the thought because I think it is childish to think in such a way. Also, I find it mildly depressing to realize that I am limited by lack of financial means.
But then there is the other side. And that is if am afraid to be open about these wishes and desires they will definitely not be heard or recognized. You can’t grow a tree if you are afraid to plant the seed.
I am imagining a place, a building for example where the people who work there share a commitment to be real and mindful. It is not about being holy but just about trying to avoid mindlessness and ignorance. The workplace becomes a place of practice, meaning that at the end of the week you actually learned something about yourself and others instead of merely exhausting and depleting yourself.
If you have a room full of people with an IQ of over 120 why don’t ask yourself how to make the world a better place instead of how to make as much money as possible? Not only because it is noble to not be motivated by greed but because it opens so many more interesting possibilities. Trying to make a difference leads inevitably leads to uncovered and therefore adventurous terrain. Being rich never leads to fulfillment, being useful does.