Nevertheless, it is one of nature’s laws. It really works that way and I am grateful for it. In the past I have written posts when I was terribly sad and heart broken and I found it very difficult to publish them. Months later they were published on The Good Men Project (they had a special edition on heart-break and well, I had plenty of material to submit). An American guy responded how timely my post came into his life and he thanked me for the insights he got from it. It feels like such a relief that even at times when I feel most miserable I can be of service to another soul just by being honest about it. To me this is true alchemy: being able to turn lead (a desperate moment) into gold (my desperation turns into something human and valuable by the act of sharing). And right now, in a month that did not seem that spectacular to me I am receiving proof that the laws still hold up. My decision to be less tough on myself and to go visit my brother touched a chord in some of you.
It is not about the destination but about the journey
Then I realized: it really is more about the journey than the destination. The fun and the excitement were in the finding of the way, driving on a fast scooter on the wrong side of the road (Thai drive left, like the British), feeling the freedom and a bit of adrenaline and experiencing the people. Just like taking the wrong route in the Himalayas was a great experience, even though I never reached the destination I had in mind. I feel the same way about my attempt to meet Khru Phra Ba: the experience had a different outcome then expected but everything until now has been a journey, from the moment I decided to visit him until now, in the bus to Bangkok from where I will fly to Koh Samui (and take a fast catamaran to Koh Pangan).
What I am finding is that leaving my comfort zone and going out, exploring the unknown broadens my horizons. There is always something new to discover. From going rock climbing to trying mysterious street food (I accidently chose something with chicken livers and kidneys and it actually tasted nice) to renting a scooter or visiting the temple of a remarkable monk: it all opens up new possibilities and annihilates preconceived ideas. And it is the losing of the preconceived ideas that bring the freedom.
The Dutch Warrior’s Dream
Now and then I receive really cool and heartwarming emails. Because they are personal I don’t feel free to disclose them. But this time I received a poem, for me and about me, from a young Indian man. And since he has published his poetry before I feel free to publish this poem here. I am touched by the fact that somebody made the effort to write a poem about me. Thank you, Ravi.
Remembering The Wayfinder
I received the news of the death of James Baye. We first met in November 2006 in Salt Lake City. We were both attending the International Big Mind Conference, an intensive month long training under the guidance of Genpo Roshi and Diane Hamilton. I liked him. He was smart, friendly, devoted and funny. But what really struck me was that he told me, literally and straight to my face: “I like you”. I think that it was the first time I heard somebody saying that to me.
James never came back from a small solo retreat he planned for himself. A year ago his father died and he went into nature to commemorate that. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts, memories and the elements, I guess. According to the report his girlfriend received from the Rangers who found him he slipped from a rock during a full moon hike and hit his chest
Doing Hong Kong
I am in Hong Kong and I am “going commercial” with my workshops (but will offer free Skype Coaching every Friday, more about that later in this post). It is kind of strange, new, interesting, humbling and exciting. But for some reason it fits: I think I am in the commercial center of the world. And if this is not the center is certainly is one of them. I am the new kid, offering inner peace and courage in a money-driven rat race as a service to those who need it.
My meditation becomes healing
A certain rawness is disappearing from my heart and being replaced by forgiveness.The last months I have tried not to pay to much attention in my writing to the loss of my relationship. But the pain was always there and there was always fear of more pain and new disappointments. The pain was so close to me that it had become part of my everyday experience. Yesterday after the yoga class and the meditation I realized it had gone. Very strange, as if it was flushed through. I feel love, confidence, strength and trust instead. It feels as if I opened channels that allow me to flush negativity and by doing that I am becoming clearer, cleaner and more me. Often I felt better after meditating, never I felt healed.
The collective heart
My naivety makes me laugh; I can feel compassion for my oh so well-meaning deluded self that really believes in miracles. Every time when I feel and witness the power of connection between the one heart and the other I am convinced we have the potential to change the world and I never get tired fantasizing about the possibilities. And it is true: the power of love is limitless. But I forget how much continuous hard work it is even for myself to stay connected to that source and I barely manage. Creating an ongoing practice is hard, creating the space for a group to grow is even harder.
The power of love
I am sitting in some little restaurant a couple of minutes from our classroom. I am experiencing ‘the avalanche effect’. In the tantra tradition it is recommended that Shiva (the man) and Shakti (the woman) create distance between them after their union. So instead of having lunch with my fellow participants I am now by myself, experiencing and processing the exercises of this morning.
The avalanche effect allows the energy that is built up during the union to expand. The love and the bliss that is generated can now be spread over the whole town and the desire for more is fueled.
It is an interesting practice because the feeling that we now call ‘expansion’ is in conventional language called ‘missing your loved one’ and experienced as somewhat undesirable. It can feel nice to miss somebody because we become aware of our love for the other. But it can also feel as painful and a form of suffering; at least that is how it feels for me. Or better: for Atalwin.
Just shut the fuck up and listen
Today during lunch I felt so strong. I just know I am onto something good. Things will work out even if i am challenged from time to time. I feel invincible, unstoppable. A friend send me a song that reminded her of me. The song is about somebody who is tracing down the truth and unwilling to play along with the mass theatre of ignorance. There is something sad about the song. It says that historically this kind of people used to be killed for its message but nowadays he will just be ignored and silenced. Well, this might be true but I am not giving up, not for a long time. We shall see what it takes to break me and if I can be broken.
When I was waiting for my food I fell into meditation. A mantra came to me. It is not so subtle. This is it: just shut the fuck up and listen. This is meditation in a nutshell: stop the useless babble and listen to what is going on, inside and outside. We miss so much because of the voices of self criticism, self consciousness, judgment and rejection. Our whole life passes by and we miss it. Just shut the fuck up and listen. I love it that my sadhguru is so blunt. I think I got it.
The next level
I have decided to try to spend some time meditating in a monastery. The possibilities for trekking are limited and I have been contemplating what to do. The guys that I have been accompanying the last days will move on to other places. I could do the same and leave Ladakh to find nature somewhere else. Or I could stay and give up the wish for trekking and look for a place that facilitates deepening. I will do the latter. Hopefully I am fortunate enough to fall with my nose in the butter and will I meet a beautiful teacher: a warrior that I can write about.
It is a difficult decision. Ladakh I too beautiful to spent just 3 days walking. I wish I could stay here for 6 months. But this is not the case. I choose for the meditation because I feel I have a chance to open up part of my subconscious I haven’t opened before. Also, I feel ready. And I would like to arrive in Hong Kong well prepared as I have the feeling that there will be a lot of work to do.
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