Every plunge in the unknown without a safety net confronts us consciously or unconsciously with our fear of death. When you are really honest with yourself you will almost always end up there. That’s why it is so hard to leave our comfort zone and that’s why we don’t like to be in a vulnerable position. I saw this for the first time in 2004, just after my awakening experience. I was still fighting for the relationship that was falling apart. My heart had opened, I had changed tremendously overnight and I could ‘see’ all my previous ignorance. In my eyes this was a very good reason to take me back but for my girlfriend at the time this change in behavior was suspect and creepy enough to threaten to call the police if I would ever talk to her again. I was devastated. I friend of mine told me to stop fighting. I told him I couldn’t. He asked me why. I told him that I had been fighting all my life. Then I said “when I stop “they” will beat me to death”. This was the underlying fear. This was the first time I saw that fear of death was under my behavior. All my behavior was fear driven and under all my fears was fear of death. I was not just fighting for my relationship; I was fighting for survival.
This is how we roll. Yallah!
I feel sad. Tomorrow I am leaving and today I am meeting with people to say goodbye to them. It touches me more than I expected. I have tears in my eyes as I type. I really wish them well. I wish I could have done more. But I have a feeling I will stay in touch with a few of them and that I will come back in the future.
Tomorrow I will fly to Cairo where I might stay at the place of friends of friends or I might have to find a place through couchsurfing.com or stay at a hostel. But I am aiming for cool people who want to hang out with me for a couple of days. Then I will fly to Baghdad and stay there for 3 weeks. The plan is to work intensely for 5 to 10 days with a group of around 20 young Iraqi’s, to help them find inner strength and peace and to create strong bonds founded on honesty, respect, honor and integrity. I hope to contribute to the creation of honorable and integer leaders. The planet needs Noble Warriors everywhere but certainly in Iraq.
D-Day
I have taken the jump. I’m flying from Frankfurt to Athens now. I left Amsterdam at 11.00 this morning. I have no idea what is ahead of me. The idea of being away from home for a whole year is still unimaginable. It feels like I have released the inevitable. Something is set in motion that is bigger than me and outside of my control. I feel scared, sad, vulnerable and accepting. There is nowhere to hide. Whatever wants to hit, hurt, penetrate or embrace me can touch me. I’m defenseless.
If I am ready to jump, are you ready to push?
As I said I feel terrified. The 14th of January, the moment of leaving Amsterdam to step into the unknown, comes closer and closer. While a large part of me just wants to hide under my bed for a year I handed over the lease of my apartment to a young friend of mine two days ago. So I have no bed anymore to hide under. The visa are in order. The video explaining the project is finished. Now I can only pray that things will work out. Please watch the video and let me know what you think.
What if?
The idea is great. I should venture into the world with an open heart, offer whatever I have to offer. Be it in writing articles, coaching people online or giving cool workshops wherever I go. Social media will be how the Universe manifests. You, my audience, can follow me and become involved. You can share my stuff, connect me with inspiring people, hire me or help. PayPal will offer the opportunity to make big or small donations. By constantly updating my site with new insights and adventures and you reading and sharing we will create a snowball. Good things will happen to when we start spreading goodness, this adventure will create its own momentum. That’s the theory.
But what if it doesn’t work? What if the whole Universe turns against me?
Not the mirror but the heart is where we should look closely
When our life seems to fit into a scenario we should be warned. Yesterday I learned an important lesson for at least the second time this year. I had rejected a certain possibility because I felt it would create an impossible scenario (to love two women at the same time). I got stuck in the ideas my mind created about life and didn’t allow myself to feel beyond what I thought is acceptable to feel. When we limit ourselves to a particular scenario or version of the truth fear is at work. Every time I venture into ‘the impossible’ new worlds open up because I open up. Why am I saying this? Because this is my big lesson of today’s writing exercise: It is not about getting stuck in a negative self image or a positive self image but about opening up to whatever truth is there for us. By overcoming our fear to explore the impossible the impossible becomes possible. Opposites can be embraced. Fear can be replaced by love. The moment love enters the boundaries disappear and space arises.
Fucking 40. Getting ready.
The start of the journey that I have been envisioning is getting closer. Everything I do is about preparation. I feel my focus increasing. As if I went over the tipping point. First I put the plan in my mind but large parts of my system were resisting. I felt fear, insecurity and denial. Often I felt paralysed. But it’s changing. More and more pockets of inner resistance are surrendering. It literally feels like my body, mind and spirit are getting ready. I need 3 things now. I need a small group of people who have the means, the vision and the trust that with their financial support we can create a book that is meaningful to a large audience and help many people in the process, I need a list of the most inspiring citizens of the countries I’m going to visit and I need like-minded connections in every new place to get me started there. If you want to help with any of these things: please do. I’m putting my life in the hands of the Universe, and the Universe, that’s you.
A sense of urgency
The tricky thing is: to awaken means to die first. If you are not prepared to die and are obsessed with your own survival don’t expect others to let go of their ideas about security and freedom.
My friend told me: “When the systems crash we need people like you. Because we will not fall back into the middle ages. We will have a developed society without guidance. We know what mechanisms brought us down. New forms of leadership will emerge. We need the warriors you are talking about. They have to show us a new paradigm for living. They have to show us how to live from the heart. That’s why we need you to go on your journey and that’s why we need your book.” You are not convinced? Let me illustrate it once again. Michael Franti performed on Occupy Amsterdam. He gave a free performance to the protesters. In the video below you see an interview with him where he voices to problems beautifully and eloquently. A true warrior he is, a man who united and not divides. Listen to him when he sings. And then pay special attention to the cheering of the protestors when the song is over. They are no different than the bankers that they react against. Let’s appreciate the complexity of the issues at hand. We must be willing to look at ourselves first before we judge the other. The sooner the better. Now.
A 21st Century Warrior
”Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
I have a dream
Perhaps the most beautiful thing about the spiritual journey is the we can start with a brand new canvas every day. (Ooh, that sounds good! Wait a minute, the narcissist in me needs to put this on my Basic Goodness Facebook page. It is posted. Now it just a matter of monitoring how many ‘likes’ it will receive.)
It is amazing. I have been postponing this moment for weeks. For some reason I felt reluctant to write, fearing lack of inspiration. And the moment I sit down it feels like coming home.