Amsterdam, Noord Holland, The Netherlands.
I am back. I decided to be back. The last couple of weeks I was avoiding writing somewhat. I felt bored with writing about myself, the struggles and the little insights that may or not come. I had to deal with a major disappointment and as we all know entering an introspective process when feeling all screwed up and betrayed are very favorable conditions for insights to be dug up. This time I dealt with it old-school: I told nobody and just hid inside my bedroom for a day, watching Breaking Bad as therapy.
I must admit: it was insightful. First I saw a couple of bad omens. Then I braced myself: I tried to outthink my problems, tried accepting, tried not-jumping-into-conclusions (it was still possible that the anticipated bad news would be good news) and had a night of poor sleeping. The next day I received the blow and yeah, it did feel like a blow. The PR firm and the publisher that previously were so super enthusiastic about making a book with me changed their minds and made a decision that they find a safer investment (they bought translation rights to foreign titles in apparently the same niche). What made is specifically painful was that the mood seemed to have changed from ‘you are our new best friend and our future looks bright’ to ‘we want to have nothing to do with you’. In a way I understand that when an entrepreneur rejects a plan or idea he wants to cut all ties. You don’t want to let irrational hope to fester and want to move on. But then again: they were especially triggered about the theme ‘from cowardice to courage’. It is quite ironical that the decision made and the behavior shown was so completely void of any courage. I see such things as their subconscious minds begging them for a courageous decision but I wasn’t so lucky. A sad, depressing day followed. And then it passed. Just like that.
I do regret that I don’t have the courage or the persuasion skills to go after what I want with more predator-like determination. I wonder if there are people who don’t take no for an answer; who just increase the pressure one way or the other on their business partners. How would they respond in my case? Am I too soft? Too polite? Do I give up too fast? Is there some ruthless, egocentric badass way to get what I want? These are questions that come up when you use Breaking Bad as your recovery tool. What would Walther White do?
I haven’t figured it out yet. But I did decide to become more selfish, for more reasons than just wanting to be a bit more like Walther White. I sacrificed a lot of my time and energy for somebody else and realized a) it wasn’t fully appreciated and b) I could not satisfyingly answer the question why it was in my interest to make that sacrifice or investment. I realized that of all the things I do I should not let my website slip away. I actually made a decision to be more result and audience driven. What I write should be somehow serving me in more ways than just being an exercise in openness and truth-seeking. Yup, I just want to be more popular. Maybe a desire for revenge and approval is driving me, just like Walther White.
To be continued.
Hmm..I’m studying counseling and psychotherapy, it’s my 2nd year, and there’s no guarantee that I’m going to get to a third year as the competition is big and they only choose the best. I often wonder what am I going to do and feel when I don’t make it. And the only thing that comes to my mind is that I want to live my life “from inside out” and not ” from outside in” I don’t want the world to determine my actions, I want me to determine my own actions. In other words, I would like to trust that my inner world will meet the outside world. Like in art, in art you have to fail first. I need to be fully genuine and authentic for my true self to express itself. And I find it difficult to let go of expectations I have of myself. But then, if someone works hard for something with all the determination, skill, and genuineness why would they stop pursuing their dream? Dreams are to be pursued. That’s what we tell kids: ‘follow your dreams’. It’s a tough one. My teacher would say, meditate on it, you will find the answers inside. One more thought, you’ve gained your popularity through being genuine. You are your own artist. Maybe that’s the way to go. Sooner or later the world will speak back. I do believe in that one 🙂 much love J.