Step by step towards self-worth

Hong Kong, Special Administrative Region of the People’s Republic of China

The air conditioning makes a humming noise. Somewhere in the other room I hear water dripping. My stomach is comfortably full with a portion of rice, goose and pork with steamed vegetables. It cost only € 5,- in a Chinese restaurant with a recommendation of the Michelin guide. I am typing on the 16^th floor of an apartment building in Soho, Hong Kong. Today I bought a plane ticket to Thailand.

I have little more than a week to go in Hong Kong. I am thinking about what I have learned and about the differences between this time and the previous time. Did I do well? I think so. I learned a couple of quite important things. And now that I write this I see a connection with earlier lessons.

By coincidence (or non-coincidence as many people like to say) I made a couple of friends who are involved in the local coaching community. Until now I never made an effort to meet other coaches. I am slightly uncomfortable with the word coach (although I don’t really know a word that describes my work better) and in The Netherlands, country where everybody knows better than the other, we have the highest density of coaches in the world, I have been told. I might have been wanting to protect them and myself from my impatience, judgment and contempt for people who have not walked themselves what they talk. Also there is always a slight fear to find out that I am actually quite mediocre. I don’t know because as I am giving it thought it seems quite futile. I don’t think I will put much energy in avoiding coaches in the future anymore, not even if they are Dutch.

I have been offering coaches private sessions. I have been doing that for a couple of reasons. First, because I find it still difficult to explain my work. It is much easier when people have experienced it themselves. Second, because I wanted to stay busy and help as many people as I can, even if I would not find clients who are willing to pay for my services. If I help people who help people more people will benefit. Third, I felt it could be wise to establish a bit of a reputation among people with a network of clients, colleagues and other connections who are interested in growth and self development. If they like me and my stuff they might want to help me next time I am here. If that strategy works time will tell. But chances are pretty good that it won’t be a worse strategy than spreading flyers in bars, organic food places and random mailboxes (0 response).

I have had a couple of pretty amazing sessions with people. The cool thing is that I am finding out that I even have something to offer to coaching professionals, people with established companies and reputations, certifications, everything. And not just one or two but pretty much all of them. What is even cooler is that there seems to be something with my energy field that is apparently noticeable and has a beneficial effect on others. That is not only very mysterious it is also nice because even when I feel I am not asking the best possible questions the other gets something out of it. Actually, even when I am not saying anything at all things still happen.

This whole journey seems to be a very long road towards self-validation and self-appreciation. Am I worth something? In the very beginning of this journey I asked myself if I was doing all this just to be appreciated and to get the approval I never received from my father. Step by step I am getting closer. Yes, I still feel the need to raise the bar because I fear to become stagnant wich might cause ‘not being good enough’. But with every challenge that is conquered I find peace, calmness and – indeed – the much-wanted confirmation that I am on the right path. The spiritual laws can be applied universally; I now know this not just from insight but also from personal experience. Speak and listen from the heart unconditionally, face your fears, serve others, don’t take yourself so fucking seriously and be generous and healing will happen: I have been testing them over and over again and they still have not failed me. On the contrary: I am being rewarded all the time.

Talking about rewards: I did not have the overwhelming financial success I had the previous time. But something important is changing: I am losing the fear of being poor and unsuccessful. I can coach the executive coaches of Hong Kong and even if I don’t do anything change happens, you see? I might stay relatively poor for a while more but these strengths will develop by themselves regardless, even if I don’t try. I cannot undo the maturation I went through and I can’t stop being aware of all the processes inside and outside and noticing and observing change. And the whole energy thing is not something I have control over either.  I can’t ‘do’ it and therefore I also can’t stop it. That is an amazing feeling: I am heading for a great adventure of growth, traveling, amazing connections and meaningful work and I can’t even stop it if I tried. For twisted personal entertainment I can tell myself I will turn out poor and unsuccessful and I probably will at times. But the reality is that the chances are getting smaller every day.