Huanchaco, Trujillo Province, Peru.
I am in my hostel in Huanchaco, Peru, suffering from a mild hangover and slow internet. It is the combination that makes it worse. Impatience is one of my virtues and a hangover makes me even more impatient. Deep down I would like to shout at the internet. But I will be the wiser one, for once.
Yesterday I decided to treat myself on a day of meditation and reading. I went to the beach and found myself a nice place under a palm tree. Surely al that reading made me want to take a nap. But the sun moves pretty fast around the equator and after a while I was exposed to the sun. Now, for the first time in this journey, I am pretty sun burnt. I find that annoying and uncomfortable. Now I am safely inside, hiding behind my laptop.
Like almost every day I met two people yesterday, this time Peruvian. We were chatting on the beach and chauvinism and patriotism led the woman to take me out for chevice (the national raw fish and lemon dish) that night. Apparently I had chevice at the wrong place and this should be corrected. I understand that. I would not have liked a guest of my country or city to leave with the wrong impression of our cheese or herring. It was a good idea: the food was amazing. And I had 2 Cuba Libres afterwards that were tasty too but I can still feel them. My tolerance for alcohol seems to have completely vanished.
I am tempted to write another episode in the Psycho Bitches From Hell series. I noticed something. When I write about masculinity my posts are most successful. This goes for the Psycho Bitches From Hell (over 20.000 clicks in The Good Men Project) and 12 Things Every Guy Should Know To Become A Real Man (over 50.000 clicks on Elephant Journal). If I want to write a book it could be smart to take into account that this is the topic where readers appreciate my perspective.
To be honest, I feel grumpy, angry and frustrated. I don’t really know why. So let’s ask the one who should know: me. If I look inside myself I feel fear of rejection, fear of failure and anger around not receiving the cooperation I wish for. It is funny: I am staring at the ugly couch in my left and realize that I see grumpy faces in the couch. I wonder if you see them too or is it just me? Is my inner reality reflected back at me?
I feel a desire to be really angry and unreasonable. Maybe I envy the Psycho Bitch From Hell that I have been writing about. Sometimes I wish I was in a position of power. I would like to have carte blanche in a company to do whatever it takes to transform people into kind warriors. It would be so cool.
Anger is such an important force when used wisely and so destructive when suppressed or frustrated. I know this. I want to know what is really bugging me and see if I can muster up the courage to let it out.
I am sorry I can’t be more clear than this.
Thank you for listening thus far.