Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, The Netherlands.
A little more than 24 hours and 2013 is over. Every new year I make a list with dreams and intentions, I forget about the list and about now I remember and take a peek. I just read what I wrote almost a year ago. It is almost surreal to realize I was in Colombia last NYE, about to miss my plane back to The Netherlands to see what would happen if I had no plan, no plane ticket, nothing. It worked out. The weirdest thing that happened to me was that I unexpectedly flew back to Holland in June and that I am leading a pretty normal life again.
I have been feeling kind of gloomy today. I just returned from a little snowboarding adventure (that was awesome and included fresh powder on the last day, see selfie above). It was not only great to go snowboarding with a buddy but it was also an opportunity to avoid Christmas. One of the things about being back I have been finding difficult is to fit in socially. Many friends and relatives have been creating families and other new social structures and I don’t feel I fit in so much anymore. Going snowboarding was the perfect distraction but coming back right before NYE made the confrontation with this part of my life unavoidable. I used to be a guy with many options for parties to go to but that has changed.
But now that I look at my list I feel better. A sense of accomplishment even. Of acceptance and purpose.
Yesterday night, when we were driving back, I was talking to my friend a little bit about the magic of intention. For some reason it helps to connect with our wishes and desires and to voice them. I believe that voicing them makes it ‘official’. I think that a wish or desire that is ventilated has more chance than a secret desire. No clue if that is true or not. Well, I do have a bit of a clue but that is for another time. For now I just want to go through the list.
On top of my list was “I want nothing” and my first response when just reading it was a cynical ‘well, you got what you asked for, my friend’ which corresponded with my self-pity around my perceived loneliness of today. But then I read things like “I want to love”, “I want to give”, “I want to facilitate healing”, “I want to make people smile, I want them to see themselves and forgive themselves” and I realize a) the guy that wrote something like that must be a pretty nice guy and b) now that I mention it I have some pretty warm memories of quite beautiful interactions. And all of a sudden the gloominess starts to clear up like a fog. And the list continues. Let’s go through it quickly.
I want to go to South Africa – unfulfilled but wheels are in motion.
I want to meet my Princess – check. It worked out differently, not a fairy tale ending. But still: traveled half the planet to meet a girl. So: check.
I want to become financially successful – unfulfilled
I want my income to be consistent and abundant – unfulfilled
I want silence – Check. Had some, could have had more perhaps. But still: check.
I want to be in nature – Check. Saw amazing places.
I want to laugh my ass of – Check. Could have laughed more but definitely had epic moments.
I want to be understood – Work in progress
I want my friends to see me and hear me – Work in progress
I want to go snowboarding – Check! Just came back last night from an unexpected trip!
I want to taste wine – Check. Had some pretty good wine in Ecuador and Argentina. Don’t know why this came up in my mind in Jan 2013 though.
I want to become a better facilitator – Check. According to participants who know me from before this is the case
I want my vision to become clear – Check! Work in progress but definitely made important steps last months!
I want my book to start crystallizing in my head – Unfulfilled but the check above makes me feel I am getting closer.
I want to be ‘discovered’ as a writer – Check. Was approached by a publisher this summer. The deal bounced but still.. They found me, right? So technically I was discovered. So check.
I want my website to become a source of clients – Work in progress. But really. And have definitely improved already.
I want to be happy – Work in progress
I want to be fit and healthy – Check! Who would have thought how far that would go?
I want to grow spiritually, emotionally and professionally. – Check. I think I did.
I want the universe to keep guiding me. – Hmmm.. I have felt more guided before. But can’t complain (although I like to complain about it)
I want my heart to keep opening, more and more. – Check. And work in progress, with ups and downs
I need love – true
I need support – still true. And I have felt supported and betrayed.
I need help – still true. And I have felt supported and abandoned.
I need friends – still true. And I am not so sure anymore who my friends are exactly.
I need luck – still true. And I have been very fortunate and not so fortunate.
I shall trust – check
I shall give – check
I shall love – check
I shall persevere – check
To be honest, I am quite happy with the ‘results’ of 2013. In 2014 Basic Goodness will change, an outcome of ‘my vision becoming clearer’ and of taking the step to ask for strategic help. Within a couple of days I will make a new list, for 2014, and will invite you to do the same.
For now I just want to express gratitude to everybody who followed me, helped me, made a difference in my life or in the life of others, was courageous enough to put their trust in me and allowed us to explore very personal stuff together. I am grateful for those who let me kick their asses and I am grateful for the well-aimed butt-kickings I received. I might not always feel it but the reality is that I am happy and humbled that we are sharing our existence together. I wish you a love-filled, happy, prosperous and healthy 2014!
Always when I see an empty road ahead of me, I feel a sense of future and adventure. Yesterday I saw a particularly beautiful empty road before me. I wish for us all to travel and explore the unknown ahead of us. I wish we can all see the beauty of our paths when we are walking them.