(Un)realistic desires

Baghdad, Iraq.

One of the advantages of a meditation practice is that you learn to observe thoughts, feelings and sensations without interfering with them. When there is so much going on as right now I have learned to sit still and let nature do it’s work.

I feel like a zombie. It is hard to breathe. My system feels like an open wound that is trying to reorganize itself. But when I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing I also feel care, forgiveness and a very deep sadness. We are with so many souls on this planet and it is so difficult for us to truly meet each other. There are so many obstacles.

If I look at myself now I see a young boy, maybe 3 years old, that wants to go run, wants to be free and playful. But it is not just running, the game is to run away when my mother is not watching, to free myself from limitations. The feeling is very nice until the moment comes that I can’t find my mother back. Now everything shifts. The freedom shifts into panic, feeling abandoned, frightened, alone and completely defenseless.

I am still that little boy. The idea that I had somebody to come home to gave me a sense of freedom. That somebody was watching over me gave me the safety to move. There was somebody to whom I could yell: “look what I am doing, babe!” Now that she decided to move on herself hurt me tremendously.

But she has every right to move on. Maybe there is also a 3-year-old girl that needs to explore the world and that shouldn’t be confined to watching over me. Maybe there is even a 3 year old that has been confined too long and is very angry for not being let out. She deserves to be free, playful and not limited too.

My desire is unrealistic. I want her to watch over me and to feel love and admiration for all the things I do. Although we are separated are love grows and grows. I shed as many skins as I can even if that means that I have romances and experiments on the road. Meanwhile she works on herself and attains enlightenment during a yoga class on a beautiful summer morning. She jumps in a plane and when she falls in my arms in the arrival hall we really feel that our souls are melting together. We look each other in the eyes and realize simultaneously: “the obstacles are gone”. We realize that there were no obstacles in the first place, all the obstacles were illusions created by the mind. But we needed to go this long and difficult path to realize that. Now we know. Now let’s make babies and transform our love into new live.

And you know what? I still hope for such a miracle. I have had these experiences myself and I had at least 4 related to her. They changed my life and made me to what I am today. Perhaps the Universe has no intention to offer her the same visions as me thus creating another challenge. Maybe I should learn not to attach to visions and insights. I don’t know.

Time will tell. For now I am sore.