Rainbow Beach, Queensland, Australia.
Today I drove from Tannum Sands to Rainbow Beach. In both places I have been before. I didn’t do it on purpose, it kind of happened spontaneously. When I was driving yesterday I was feeling really good. When I saw Tannum Sands on the signs I remembered that this was the town where I shot the video of my sadness. I thought it would be interesting to go back to the same place to see if I felt different.
This time I asked fishermen for information about the tides before I went to my meditation spot. I sat for a while, facing the setting sun. Then the mosquitos came out and I called it a day. Mosquitos and me: it is a one sided love affair. I snuck into the shower facilities of the nearby camping ground and had an elaborate hot shower and shaved my head. It had been a week and I don’t think my hair had been that ‘long’ in years. In some way it is good thing that lately I haven’t been looking in the mirror as often as I used too. I have spent enough time looking in the mirror for 3 life times.
As I am putting some clothes on (and even put some cologne on) I hear music and decide to check it out. There is a little local fair going on. It was called something like Beach – Arts – Music and might be a bit of a highlight in the season and the lives of the locals. There was a band and many people peacefully hanging out.
I made myself a bowl of food (chicken, raw broccoli, some Greek salad) and sat somewhere on the grass. I noticed that I was the only one who was alone, all other people were sitting with a friend or a partner or a group (family, friends). And perhaps for the first time in my life I felt perfectly ok with that. I had no urge to change the situation, didn’t need female attention and wasn’t scanning for it. I was just happy to sit there.
This morning I was watching myself. Almost always I wake up with a somewhat burdened heart. So happened this morning. But I went for a swim, had breakfast, went for coffee and did some work (preparing workshops that seem to be happening in Sydney on 16th, 18th and 20th of October, if you live there: come). Then I hit the road.
In my van I was listening to the playlist my friend Ralph has sent me. Marcel’s list was completely different. Marcel and Ralph are both good friends of mine. It is beautiful to listen to their playlists and it is beautiful to notice the difference in character the selection shows. In Ralph’s selection the lyrics are very profound. One of the artists is Jason Schulman and one of his songs is called “The Long Journey Home”. The first line is “the long journey home has started”. I realized this was true. By traveling to the furthest country I could go and in that country going as far as I could and then turning around means that the long journey home has started.
I am not coming home in January to pick up my relationship or to make a new start. I had hoped that I would be ready to start a family and be a provider. My life doesn’t seem to go like that.
I noticed that it takes about 7 hours for the burdened feeling around my heart to dissolve. By 2 o’clock in the afternoon I felt I was radiating joy again. The thought that kept coming up today was ‘this is it’. This is my life, this is what it looks like. My life is being this guy on a mission for goodness, showing up in people’s lives, sharing his experiences, struggles and insights. I have become my subject, my topic: I have become the warrior. Since I have no reason to go back to Amsterdam in January I can continue my journey until I am truly ‘home’: the long journey home has started.
I am not limited by time anymore. There is nobody waiting for me. I can take on every challenge that I am willing to take on. And I will aim for the highest challenge possible. I will go for the liberation of all sentient beings, myself included. And I will give myself completely.
That I won’t be a father soon is difficult to accept. But when I do accept it then I can also see all the other consequences like the freedom and the potential of being able to complete my mission. It might take me a life time. Or longer. I might fail but at least I tried. And if I succeed then you all know that the journey was long and difficult.
But it will be amazing and it will be worth it. It is not the life I had imagined for myself. Instead of becoming a family man I will be a nomadic warrior, who trains with great masters and shares his adventures. I can study everything I need to serve the whole. I want to learn to be a good speaker and a better facilitator, I want to mature as a healer, awaken the kundalini energy and study leadership and warriorship. That is what I see for myself now. I am both thrilled and scared.
Congratulations to this!
I´ve been following your blog for a while now and find your experiences very inspiring and comforting during a not alwasy easy time in my life. I know how difficult it is to let go of something so fundamental as wanting to have a family and be a parent. So it means a lot to be able to wholeheartedly say that you´re thrilled about an alternative. I wish you all the very best! – and you never know how life will really turn out in the end…
Oh Atalwin, this is such a beautiful post. Open and inspiring. Clear and full of faith. I would imagine everything needed to happen exactly as it has for you, at the pace it has. I would also imagine that one year ago you wouldn’t have believed you would have had the thoughts and clarity, forgiveness and acceptance exactly in the way you may feel that today, as it is conveyed and inferred from this post. So please my friend stay open to all of your dreams as possible, there is abundance for everyone. You CAN have it all.
Acceptance at last! Awesome!
Dear Atalwin, I read your reports regularly and I am somewhat worried about the sad tendency therein. Almost always wakening up with a burdened heart or with “a lump in your stomach” (according to your today’s post and an earlier post “A spiritual path sometimes sucks”) does not appear right to me. How your life would further develop, either as a family man with children or as a warrior far away from home, at least to a certain extent is in the hands of God. However, in my view you need to pull yourself more together and be more optimistic about your capabilities in life and how to implement them in practice for the benefit of yourself and others. I remember a saying of Lao Tzu “A good traveller has no fixed plans and has no intention to arrive.” All the best, Arjen