My meditation becomes healing

Delhi, India.

I am in Delhi for my last night in India. I was supposed to give a small workshop but we canceled it. Too many people could not make it, which was not so nice for my host who put a lot of energy in it. But we will go to a nice restaurant instead together and the people who we disappointed will receive a free Skype session. Everybody happy, including me: it gives me the opportunity to write this post.

Something interesting is happening. Something is changing inside me and I hope that the shift will be permanent. I would not be surprised (but I wouldn’t be surprised if it changed either).

Yesterday I went to a Kundalini Yoga class; I joined some friends of the workshop. I am not so good at yoga (I’m not that flexible) and was quite happy to find out that the class didn’t consist of lots of impossible poses. There was a lot of emphasis on strong breathing (fire breathing) and I understood that the purpose of the asanas was to work on the chakras. During the class I had a vision of two giant cobra’s in a cave. At first I did not understand. Then I realized that the kundalini energy is symbolized as cobra’s (or ‘regular’ snakes, I am not sure anymore) and that I was in a kundalini class and this vision was perhaps not a coincidence. After the class one of my friends did not want to join me for breakfast. She needed to go to her room because her energy was all over the place. When I gave her a hug I felt her confusion and dizziness; I felt the energy rising just as it did right before I passed out in the tantra workshop. Only this time I was sitting in a chair and not pushing it further. I was curious to go into it so I decided not to eat but go to my room and meditate.

My meditation practice is very helpful for me to keep me grounded and open. I would say essential. But I had only two important experiences on my cushion and I haven’t had any special experiences since years. Officially, this is not a big problem: zen is not about chasing altered states of consciousness and when you have a powerful experience your teacher will help you move through and not to get attached. But I have also wondered if my meditation is still good and fresh. Am I not just wasting my time, sitting with my eyes closed on my cushion?

To my delight I felt a lot opening up when I sat down. I felt energy flowing. I am not sure if I am just imagining it but I am quite convinced that I am seeing and feeling my chakra’s. I don’t see colors or something, the experience feels transparent. It is more a knowing. These images give you an idea of how it feels, just replace the colorful streams with something water like.

Today I had this experience again. And the true beauty is that something is clearing up in me, as if a fog is clearing up. I am a bit hesitant to talk about it because I am afraid it comes back in a week from now but it feels as if a certain rawness is disappearing from my heart and being replaced by forgiveness.The last months I have tried not to pay to much attention in my writing to the loss of my relationship. But the pain was always there and there was always fear of more pain and new disappointments. The pain was so close to me that it had become part of my everyday experience. Yesterday after the yoga class and the meditation I realized it had gone. Very strange, as if it was flushed through. I feel love, confidence, strength and trust instead. It feels as if I opened channels that allow me to flush negativity and by doing that I am becoming clearer, cleaner and more me. Often I felt better after meditating, never I felt healed. This is new for me. I really hope this development continues.

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