Shritanu, Koh Phangan, Thailand.
I just watched the video that I posted on my previous post (in that video I mention that reading a previous post of myself had actually cheered me up that day but the wind makes it hard to hear). So I have just watched myself talking about how I watched myself; it is a bit like in the movie Inception.
When I look at myself I see something different than how I experience myself. I see a happy and honest man with a friendly and open face with kind blue eyes. I even think he is quite good-looking, with his unshaven jaws and tanned skin. But as an observer that also can see the inside I can tell you he wasn’t all that happy that day. Or that is what he believes, at least.
Not often do I read or reread my own posts. When I sit down to write I let come up what wants to come up, blurt it out, publish without editing and never look back. But occasionally I do it because I want to share something with somebody and I have to search through my old entries a bit. When I read old posts I can be amazed about the kindness and the wisdom of the voice that writes. Sometimes I even learn from him.
What a strange discrepancy.
The visa run cost me around 3000 baht for a one-week extension and included an adventure on a ferry with a broken engine. If I had chosen to pay the fine for letting expire the visa it had cost me 3500,- baht and I did not have to miss yoga classes (that I paid for). Economically it would have been wiser not to do the run and from a superficial perspective it was a wasted and even unpleasant day. But for some reason it feels like a meaningful day.
What I learned that day was that I took pressure, expectations, hope and desires with me on my journey. It is a heavy load and it seems to be my task to free myself from it. I reread my post “Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously” and I received an email from my best buddy who told me not to be so hard on myself. Too many signs. I have now decided to treat myself with the same kindness that I see in my own eyes. The kindness is already there; sounds like a sensible and logical decision to be generous with it, don’t you think?
The next day (yesterday) I felt happy and free and I felt as if my decision was benefitting me. But today I felt down and depressed again. How does this work? I thought that perhaps I was falling ill because I was tired and developed a headache. I tried sleeping, swimming and meditation but nothing worked. But when I walked to the wifi place to write a bit my depression just mysteriously disappeared, as if the fog cleared. And now it is gone. Gone! Again: how does this work?
Who is this guy that seems to be a conduit for depression, wisdom, kindness, happiness and insecurity, just to name a few. What causes the discrepancy between what he seems to radiate and what he perceives? What keeps him away from true balance and harmony?
An answer that came up today was that we have multiple realities. We have the dualistic reality of every day life and some of us have tasted from or have an intuition of the non-dual reality that appears as Oneness, silence, bliss, Divine or what ever you want to call it. My simple explanation is that the experiences of the first kind are much, much more common than experiences of the second kind. I have had enough experiences of the second kind to be completely convinced that this dimension is real and I dare to trust it. But I spend so much time in the everyday dimension that it becomes very real to me. It is the battle between the ego-state and Buddha Nature. My ego demands more attention than my Buddha Nature and is – of course – louder. I wish I could access the door to the Divine at will – if only for 10 minutes per day – as this would effortlessly shut up (and reassure) my perpetually threatened and frightened ego for the rest of the day. Actually, I wish this would be available to all of us. How easy would life become.
But I am not there. Not yet, at least. For now, I am here. I am alternating between free and stuck, between acceptance and non-acceptance, between victim and liberator. This will be my zone until I move on so I better make myself at home in it. The better I get to know the way, the bigger the chance I will find my way out. And kindness will be the key so let’s start with that. Let’s be so kind that all the fears and insecurities dissolve. I go.
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“Who is this guy that seems to be a conduit for depression, wisdom, kindness, happiness and insecurity, just to name a few. What causes the discrepancy between what he seems to radiate and what he perceives? What keeps him away from true balance and harmony?”
Wow, this sounds so familiar to me. Rings true for me too. It will be nice when the depression and insecurity dissolves away for good, and stops wasting our time. But for now, the juggling, listening and learning continues. Thanks for your writings, you are helping me just as much as you are helping yourself.