In love with life

Umalas, Bali, Indonesia.

It is 7.16 in the morning and I have been awake since 5 am. I slept for only 4.5 hours. I feel energized, flabbergasted and vulnerable. To be honest: I feel as if I am in love. It feels amazing and scary at the same time.

My previous post was also a quite uplifted one. But I haven’t been on this high since Friday. Saturday was terrible. I saw all my patterns resurface. I felt deeply disappointed and defeated because all the work that I have been doing seemed to be without results. Sunday I woke up with a lump in my stomach but I decided to get my act together. I accepted my ‘defeat’ and started practicing again (meditation, swimming, a bit of yoga breathing on my own) and it made me feel better. I had a conversation with my guide in this process and I expressed my skepticism. It had been very nice and all, this suggestive stuff of cutting invisible chords but I didn’t feel a speck different. I told him I felt no difference between before and after the ‘cutting of the chords’ and I felt no difference between before and after the ‘retrieving of lost parts of my soul’. He might as well have told me that I now had successfully grown a full head of blue hair. He can claim that he sees my blue hair but if I don’t see it, don’t feel it and nobody else has noticed my change of appearance, I don’t believe it. The only good thing of that session was that he did not seem to be put off balance by my skepticism. He was still confident. And I trust him as a sincere human being.

Yesterday again I woke up tensed. I meditated for 20 minutes before I went to a kundalini yoga class and I could see the (negative) thoughts spin through my mind. I heard from other people that yoga is the only place where they can quiet their mind but I haven’t had that experience myself. So the thoughts kept coming during yoga too. The only advantage that I have is that I am trained at observing the mind and during that class I observed a restless, judgmental and frightened mind. But it is like a radio playing in the background; although there is this noise I can still focus on my breathing, on the movement and on my third eye (ajna chakra as I have learned to call it).

I have noticed before that yoga works like some sort of time bomb. During the class it feels uncomfortable for many reasons but afterwards the yoga bomb goes off and a certain peace comes over me. Sometimes it feels like I am on drugs.

In the hour after class things started to shift. And it was very strange. It felt like the moment where you realize for the first time you are falling in love with someone. You realize you are accessing a different container of feelings and emotions and it happens more or less involuntarily. You can’t stop it. In the hours that followed the feelings kept getting stronger and stronger. And I just started to feel really, really happy. I could feel my heart overflowing with love. I realized I was in love with life.

The power of love is amazing. I did not feel fat, I didn’t feel self-conscious, I felt no shame or guilt. I felt genuinely awesome about myself and my life, I wanted to dance, I truly enjoyed swerving through congested traffic and exhaust fumes, I could see my worries about poor Balinese internet and my inability to stay in touch with clients dissolve like snow on a hot stove. Love feels like accepting, appreciating, honoring and embracing life, at all the same time. I feel full.

Was it the yoga class? Was it the shamanic ritual? The weather? The food? Am I finally reaping the fruits of all my hard work? Is it my soul who realizes all the missing pieces are brought back home? Or is it the prana flowing through my body? I truly don’t know what happened.

I have had these experiences before. Sometimes it stayed for weeks. But eventually they faded. I hope that this time I find the key so I can keep the door unlocked.

To be continued.

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