Yesterday arguably can turn out as the most important day of this trip through Bali. It started with reading the comments on my ‘Thank you’ post and deciding that I would email the link to all three important women in my life. That felt like a gutsy thing to do, it also was a bit unreal to see these three names as addressees in the same email. I hope they received it well. It certainly kickstarted my day in the right way. It gave me strenght.
The scenery around Ubud is stunning, by the way. We adventured around a bit on the motor bikes we rented, walked through the rice fields, looked out over gorgeous ravines and greeted many farmers. They are all so sweet and friendly, with big beautiful smiles, irrespectively if they have teeth or not anymore.
At the end of the day we met up with other friends at the Yoga Barn for a Biodanza workshop. It was my idea to do it. I had done some sort of try out class 4 or 5 years ago, couldn’t really remember what it was like but knew it was with lots of dancing and was pretty sure that we didn’t have to squeeze our bodies into impossible postures. That sounded like music to my ears.
Biodanza is the dance of life, explained our teacher Simon. To make a long story short: it was amazing, sexy, sensual, heart warming, vulnerable, intimate and profound. And all these experiences came from dancing together. By experimenting with different distances, movements and ways of touching different people we get to know ourselves and experience ourself in relationship to others and in relationship with our bodies.
Now to appreciate this story you have to know that there were four men and more than three times the amount of women in the workshop, more than a handful of them truly attractive (but I must say that everybody looked beautiful and was radiating energy). Believe it or not, but this can make me feel quite shy normally. I can feel guilty, self conscious or (read: and) blocked when dealing with female attention. But guess what? I was surrounded by hot, sensual women and loved it! They didn’t mind me being there either, I got to hold every single one of them. Hell yeah! I felt like a child in a cookie store. I was suprised and amazed about how intimite it got and even more surprised that I didn’t shy away from it at any point. I can’t remember ever feeling more confident, guilt free, open and genuinely happy about my body and my sexuality than yesterday.
If this sounds like breast thumping gorilla speak, well that was exactly how I felt. But the beauty was the feeling of being totally ok with it. For me that was huge. And I realized that a spiritual practice is more than sitting meditation and exploring the mind. The body has a life and a language of it’s own, it’s a whole new world. There is a lot to learn there for me. But I’m inspired. And actually it makes a lot of sense to practice holding, hugging, touching, caressing and dancing. Because when we don’t practice enough we will not become masters of it. And to not master these things is a sin against our humanity. We don’t want that, do we?
A big hug to all of you!
Life is a gift, enjoy it!!
Dear Atalwin,
Me again. Last night when I went to bed and digested my day, I suddenly realized that my comments on your postings might give you an uncomfortable feeling. I strongly believe that you don’t take it as uncomfortable. You can look beyond that. But know: It was never the meaning of leaving a reaction or sharing a part of my story to get you wondering who I might be. I promise you that I will reveal myself to you.
As said before: the governing thought of leaving a comment to you, still is to acknowledge your writings. Share the dialogue that I encounter within myself after reading your postings. And start a small dialogue with you as well. This dialogue didn’t need to be on your postings. It exists within me and maybe within you. It might be leading you to think about subjects to write about. And therewith inspire me again.
Commenting under a pseudonym makes me feel uncomfortable. A little bit sneaky. As if I want to lure you into a reaction on my writing. Intrigue you with my comments. But that is not the case. It’s my insecurity and inner dialogue that makes me feel this way towards you. Though I know that my intentions are sincere. It might be the same feeling as you had today with those women. And on the other hand, I know for sure that you haven’t got the feeling I wanted you to feel uncomfortable, challenged or intrigued. Because I feel that all what I’ve wrote is out of respect.
In my opinion respect is something you have within you. It doesn’t matter how you look or how you think people see you. I discovered as well that the perception of me by people, who don’t know me, is sometimes hard to experience. In my case, friends of my ex called me the typical wrong man who probably flirts with other women. Although I knew I have proof for myself, I am one of the most committed persons you can meet. I wrote about it in my first comment.
There are not a lot of people who can see through the first impression they have of you and are willing to question their first sight. So I decided to let that aspect go and be as sincere as I can be. Including being a typical male. Sometimes flirty, sometimes intellectual, sometimes foolish, sometimes insecure but always respectful. And all of this makes me who I am.
I feel affirmed by your posting. So thank you. And enjoy Bali to the fullest.