Today I will use my blog just for myself. I will use it as private therapy. Today I am not offering something, and I’m not coming from some kind of beautiful heart space. I feel frustrated and I don’t know why. I’m quite afraid for what might come up, the last time I felt like this and started writing was in Bali at my brothers place. It led to a huge emotional breaktrough but I also spend the day sobbing. And I don’t have time to sob because I’m leading Peace Camp in an hour and a half. I just want to have the tension from my chest and can’t think of anything else than write about it.
So let’s see, what am I frustrated about? I’m frustrated about having to struggle always, I’m frustrated about being limited by money, I’m frustrated about being dependant on other people, I’m frustrated about time passing by quickly, I’m frustrated about the complexities of love and relationships, I’m frustrated about my forever resurfacing shortcomings, I’m frustrated by the rules of society, I’m frustrated by other people’s fear of confontation, I’m frustrated by rejection and my fear of rejection. Is there still more? No, now I feel fear. I fear not to be loved, not to be heard, not to be appreciated, I fear failure, I fear choosing the wrong route, making the wrong decisions, I fear the embarrasment i will feel when I find out I made the wrong decisions and it’s too late. I fear wasting my life, I fear not living up to my potential, I fear I have nothing to offer, that nobody cares about me, I fear to stay alone and die lonely.
Now what do I need? I need LOVE! Ha, I said it! I need appreciation, I need good luck, I need the Universe to support me, I need my friends to support me, I need people who really see and understand what I’m doing, or trying to do with my life. I need my intentions reflected back at me, I need people to be loyal, to trust me, to keep their promises and to give me a chance, both professionally and romantically. I need a break through, I need momentum, I need courage, I need discipline. I need new clients, preferably all true raw diamonds. I need satisfaction. I need a sense of fulfillment.
I don’t think I’ve ever written a post faster than this one. And you now what? I’m not going to end it with some sort of lesson I learned, I won’t make an effort to tie the loose ends together. This post is just for me. No free wisdom today, the only dish served here was my frustration, my fears and my needs. I feel better now, thank you. Peace Camp will start in less than an hour and I actually look forward to it. I’m on my way, dear participants!
Thanks for the “i am not alone ” reminder
Cindy
Burn your burdens, we all need love and understanding.
Be involved with what we really want or need, instead of what you want to give, or learn us…., In this space everything can flows more natural and there for less frustration will a rise. Just let it be…., without any expectations. In this new space everyone is equal again, same same but different….., love.
The value of a HUG – a message from ‘M’
Last month in his post Surrender Atalwin shared our encounter in far away Bali and after reading his Self-Therapy post yesterday, now seems like the perfect time to share my story as a great big thankyou HUG.
Sometimes people come into your life for a reason and for me, the time I spent with Atalwin was one of those life changing times.
For most of my adult life, I have worked and thrived in tough and male dominated professions. While professionally I have been, and still am, extremely successful, it has come at great personal cost. My ‘protectors’ emotional armour is now so tough little gets in or out, I feel emotionally monotone and am a master of suppression, denial, avoidance and transference. My health has suffered, loving relationships with wonderful men have slipped away as most likely has the opportunity for children. Over two years ago after an extended period of unsustainable work and personal stress I literally had nothing left physically, mentally or spiritually. It has taken two years to gradually come to the realisation that I needed to change my life and believed that I had the capacity to do it, the only problem was I had no idea how or where to start.
Serendipitously, this was the point in my life when I met Atalwin and through our conversations, my journey suddenly became very clear and miraculously, since then many wonderful things have happened. The first day, not only did I cry for the first time in about five years (not the one year I admitted to Atalwin), a wonderfully affirming mantra came to me and I received the warmest most wonderful hug I have ever received. Then almost immediately after reading the Surrender post I had an overwhelming urge to share the story with my trusted friends, which only a week before would have been unthinkable, all of their responses have been incredibly affirming and it has been wonderfully and utterly liberating to be open and vulnerable, my heart is opening again.
After I returned home, I was determined to put a plan together to ‘change’ my life in a controlled and structured way. After re-reading Surrender and his subsequent posts, I realised I could not force or control it, but I had to genuinely and simply surrender and let it happen. Much to my surprise, after two weeks I came to realise that many changes had in fact already started. While since my return there has not yet been a tear in sight, the day I arrived home I hired an industrial sized waste container and threw out fifteen years of accumulated trash, it was incredibly cathartic and completely changed and lightened the energy of my home. I found that I had a great need fill it with flowers and music again, perhaps coincidentally (or not) I have had a continuous stream of friends visiting and staying who notice ‘something different’ about me. A copy of Surrender is now on my refrigerator door as a reminder, I am exercising daily and have enrolled in a Mindfulness Course with a wonderful friend who unexpectedly last week came back in my life after his own emotionally devastating personal crisis.
Reflecting on the past four weeks, I know it is only the start of a personal and lifelong journey, but it is a great start.
So Atalwin – for me you have been a catalyst for a positive change in my life, so please take this post as a great big thank you HUG for your advice, openness and showing me it is ok to be human and vulnerable.
M
Your path so strongly involves helping others, these others sometime forget to see your need for love, support and reassurance.
Looking so strong physically also might mislead your surrounding into thinking your back does not need to be looked after.
So here’s my call to anyone who feels addressed; Thinking warm thoughts is not always enough, be it simple, creative, huge or something small, but give our big friend some TLC, he deserves it
Thanks. Love.
To allow ourselves to feel vulnerable is a very courageous deed because the one and only thing we are constantly running away from is our vulnerability. To admit that I am vulnerable takes guts and I’ve learned it recently as well 🙂 The feelings of frustration and fear are not a strange to me… but it’s only when I let them be my beautiful soul breaks through again… and I can be truly me, bathed in love and understanding I want so much! :)Oh, how hard it is! Well done my Dears!:) love J.