It’s been a heavy week for me. My previous post “Don’t fight the sadness” stirred up a lot of strong emotions in me. I met my fear of abandonment when I had to face the painful truth that my relationship is over. It is tough to experience the enormous amounts of pain and sadness that are hiding in our subconscious.
Writing helps getting it out, I cannot recommend it enough. Even the immediate publishing on my blog is a big factor in the healing process. What happens is that something that has been hiding in the shade of my awareness is brought into the open irreversibly and unconditionally. Once it is ‘out there’ the mechanism that surfaced has less grip on me. I liberate myself this way. Seeing a destructive pattern is helpful, sharing it with the world immediately – when it is still hot – is very powerful. This way it becomes very hard for the pattern to sneak back on me.
There are always a few people who worry about me when they read about me going through sadness or pain. I will receive a couple of concerned phone calls or emails, asking me if I’m ‘alright’. Actually, it is the other way around. If you pity me because you can’t relate to the experiences that I describe, if similar stuff never happens to you, you can be pretty sure you are carrying around a lot of emotional garbage. You should give me a call and become a client.
An emotional release works on our system. I received proof of that today as I rode into town on my bicycle for a latte in my favorite Coffee Company store. The last two days I had been working on a huge self conceived writing exercise on the topic of my relationship. I did a lot of mourning about the loss of it. I had realized that I had been suffering from a deep fear of abandonment. Many tears had rolled down my face since last Wednesday.
So I’m riding my bike, minding my own business when all of a sudden I start feeling an enormous amount of love and freedom. It felt like the sun came up in my belly and chest. I realized “it is ok to be abandoned”. It was as if somebody was saying the words gently in my ear. And for the first time I really understood. I started smiling and repeated to myself: “it is ok to be abandoned”. I am a free man! She is a free woman! She is free to love me and she is free to leave me. No strings attached. Literally. Hello?! There are no strings attached! So don’t act like if there are. You have made them up, created them in your mind. That’s delusion.
It’s amazing how much love arises when fear leaves the body. We are constantly strangling ourself and others with strings, chains and ropes, desperately trying to prevent us from experiencing reality because we don’t want to suffer. But when we surrender to all suffering and pain inside us, when we stop fighting it completely and not withhold anything we find forgiveness. We untie. When the strings of fear dissolve only pure love remains. That love is our reality.
I am grateful for all the love and forgiveness I feel flowing through my being. I am grateful for her courage to free herself from me. I would not have realized this step without her. She is a true Bodhisattva. Thank you for the love, darling.